All humans strive to be happy in some form. While there are intriguing variations in what exactly it means to be happy, this tenet is one of the rare human universals, transcending differences in culture, geographic location, age, ethnicity, and gender. As the Dalai Lama put it, simply, “The purpose of life is to be happy.”

That might lead to the expectation that we should all be happy, at least when circumstances afford it. Yet this is not the case. Even when people’s lives are good, many feel less than happy, and may be beset by anxiety and depression.

Thus there is a paradox: The pursuit of happiness is one of the prime values people hold, and they often fall short of attaining it. There might even be a further vexing twist on this happiness paradox, by which the more fervently people pursue happiness the further they get from it. In the words of the philosopher Eric Hoffer, “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”

The idea is that the more we value happiness the higher expectations we set for our happiness—high expectations we are more likely to miss. When we miss them, we may become disappointed and discontented. Such feelings are incompatible with happiness. And voila! Like in quicksand, the more we want to be happy, the less happy we become.

Fortunately, our research points to a solution—and the solution is pretty simple to state, if tricky to implement: When you’re experiencing something positive, don’t judge yourself.

How tracking happiness makes us unhappy

In earlier empirical research, we showed that intensely valuing happiness indeed seems to backfire. For example, people who endorsed statements like, “Happiness is extremely important to me,” were more likely to have lower well-being and greater depressive symptoms.

Intriguingly, this was especially the case when the circumstances of people’s lives were good. This is in line with the idea that the happiness paradox trap becomes engaged when expectations for happiness are activated—when we think everything is good and we ought to feel happy.

A recent New York Times opinion piece elaborates on the ways in which this happens, and puts its finger on one particular aspect of pursuing happiness that might interfere with attaining it: tracking it. It asked: “Could tracking happiness make us feel worse?” The answer to the question finds a resounding yes, it could and it does.

Tracking happiness may interfere with attaining happiness for two key reasons. First, when we track our happiness we are pulled out of the moment, which interferes with experiencing happiness to its fullest. This follows a suspicion memorably voiced by John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.”

The second reason why tracking happiness might be harmful is that it invites comparison. And comparison—to our own high expectations, to other people’s blissful Instagram feeds—breeds discontent. This leads the happiness hunter directly into the place they wanted to avoid.

At this point, we might conclude that we should let go of our lofty goals to become happier. Maybe it is not in the cards for us and we should let go of the goal, and make do with whatever happiness scraps fall to us. But this conclusion does not accord with a large body of research that examines whether and how people can become happier.

Take, for example, UC Riverside psychologist Sonya Lyubomirsky’s research, which has found that happiness interventions can work in helping people be happier, at least sometimes. Meaning, when people want to feel happier, they can get there. The mystery is further deepened in that Lyubomirsky and her colleagues found this is especially true for people who are highly motivated and put forth more effort, as evidenced by selecting to be part of a happiness-enhancing intervention (compared to cognitive exercises).

Thus, there is a puzzle: How can valuing happiness be bad and pursuing happiness be good?

Roots of dissatisfaction

That puzzle led us to believe that the story must be more complicated. Perhaps valuing happiness—even intensely—is not inherently and always problematic. Rather, the problem might lie in how people approach happiness. There might be some bad and some good ways. That is, whether or not valuing happiness is associated with bad outcomes depends on the way in which people approach and think about happiness.

What might those ways be? UC Berkeley psychology alumni Felicia Zerwas and Brett Ford proposed a model of pursuing happiness that provides cues by taking a closer look at what happens psychologically when people pursue happiness. They proposed that it is OK to aspire to happiness, even intensely.

Where things start to get dicey is a bit further down the path where there is a fork in the road: On one path, someone can simply be OK with the level of happiness they have reached. But on the other path, someone can judge their experiences and worry about how much happiness they do or don’t have.

Going down this second path infuses negativity into their experiences, ultimately leading them further away from happiness. We can call this tendency concern about happiness. Concern about happiness, rather than simply aspiring to happiness, might lie at the heart of self-defeat.

Because this is a bit abstract, let us illustrate the two approaches with an example. Let’s say you are at a birthday party—your own! Your friends planned it for you and invited all your favorite people, who brought your favorite foods, treats, and beverages. You feel lots of positive emotion—contentment, excitement, gratitude, joy, and happiness. So far so good.

Now comes the key moment for our happiness hunter, where the path forks. On the one hand, you could simply aspire to being happy. Period. You enjoy the moment and dance the night away at your birthday party. End of story. On the other hand, however, you could be concerned about your happiness, adding judgment to your experience and with it a layer of overthinking. You have everything that should make you happy, and yet you wonder, you worry, This is perfect, why aren’t I happier? A disappointment sets in which might spiral into further disappointment.

Scientists call these “negative meta-emotions”: feelings we have about feelings. And so even when happiness is most within reach—or perhaps precisely because it is within reach—you get in your own way.

Now add to this the fact that few experiences are purely and unadulteratedly happy. Most events—even the best—have elements of ambiguity and mixed emotion. The cake might not be perfect or one of the guests might misbehave. We can easily see how the person who is concerned about happiness will latch on to those flies in the ointment and let them spoil the entire experience.

Four ways to not ruin happiness

So to recap, when people who aspire to happiness have positive events, they can simply roll with it and enjoy their experiences. Even if there IS a fly in the ointment, that’s OK. In contrast, when people who are concerned about happiness have positive events, they cannot simply enjoy them. They yuck their own yum: They judge and add negative meta-emotions.

That all means that the problem may not lie in how happy people are or how happy they want to be—it lies in how people respond to their happiness.

We put these ideas to an empirical test in a recent series of studies involving 1,815 participants from across the U.S. We found that, indeed, people fall into two types, with some scoring high on aspiring to happiness, and some scoring high on concern about happiness.

In our survey, they endorsed statements like, “I am concerned about my happiness even when I feel happy,” and, “If I don’t feel happy, maybe there is something wrong with me.” People who were more concerned about their happiness experienced lower satisfaction with their lives, lower psychological well-being, and higher depression symptoms.

And, based on diary entries they completed, we found that this link was explained by how they responded to positive events: they were more likely to have negative meta-emotions like disappointment about their own feelings. It’s like a slow drip of weak poison, where every single experience doesn’t harm overall well-being, but repeated instances over many months do.

Meanwhile, aspiring to happiness—considering happiness very important but without a tendency to judge—was innocuous and did not interfere with attaining happiness. 

What does our research teach us about whether the pursuit of happiness is possible? We believe the studies point to a solution to the happiness paradox. From the concerned people, we can learn which pitfalls to avoid, and from the aspirers we can learn how to make happiness attainable. Four of these lessons are supported by science: 

• A first, most fundamental lesson is not to judge our emotions. As our walk through the process of pursuing happiness illustrates, the path to happiness goes awry when we judge. This is easier said than done, especially as judgments can be deeply ingrained. But it is possible to learn an accepting perspective: viewing our emotions, positive and negative, as natural and valuable parts of human life. Accepting our emotions, in turn, is associated with greater well-being. Acceptance can help us become happier and enjoy life more, and it also is a helpful strategy to be resilient when we encounter adversity.
• Next, consider counteracting one of the main tributaries to judgment: monitoring how we feel. Monitoring itself is not harmful but it makes it a lot more likely that we will judge. When we don’t monitor our feelings, we are less likely to judge—and more likely to enjoy.
• A third strategy unites the first and second, and it is: Don’t treat activities—or life—as a means to an end. If we can live our lives fully, mindfully, without looking beyond, true happiness might emerge. This idea is captured in a quote attributed to Nathaniel Hawthorne: “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”
• Finally, if there is any common theme to research on what makes people happier, it is that social connection is helpful. This might be because social connection invites us to judge and monitor less and be in the moment more.

This is not to say the only paths toward happiness are psychological. Our cultures, systems, and societies play a key role in individual happiness. First, they directly create happiness. For example, giving people money, supporting social connection, and combating inequality and injustice are some of the best ways to make people happier. Second, they shape how people approach happiness. For example, we learn from our culture how to think about happiness and how to go about pursuing it, whether we simply aspire or are concerned.

Happiness is a—maybe THE—core value throughout human history and across cultures. While there are pitfalls, attaining greater happiness is possible.