Letting go and learning to follow my inner wisdom instead of an agenda.

This is the common thread of my life.

Until the age of 33, it was a bumpy road, full of painful  and deep potholes.

I did not understand the meaning of all that was happening to me and felt lost.

I fought tooth and nail for my right to exist in many ways.

And ended up in burnout.

There I lay at the bottom.

In retrospect, the greatest gift of all in shuddering packaging.

The chance for a new beginning.

I had no choice but to move through the darkness.

And asked myself for the first time in my life the questions:

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Beyond all the screaming thoughts of my conditioned head, I heard another voice for the first time.

My heart became audible:

'Don't look back

Jump.

You are completely free to start over. Always'.

And so, reluctantly, everything in my life's garden took off.

Goodbye to my well-paid marketing job in the corporate world.

That didn't happen overnight. I found it incredibly difficult to give up financial security.

Even though that false security did not make me happy at all.

I decisively stepped out of a relationship that was no longer right.

And I also let go of my group of friends that wasn't right for me.

The new path showed itself in healthy eating, yoga, ChiRunning and spirituality.

After several years, my current partner, Jeroen, came into the picture with whom I can now share all that. And we started to do a lot of trainings to together.

It did not mean that from then on, the road became a fully paved highway.

Together we were challenged quite a few more times in letting go and following the voice of our hearts.

First, the idea of starting a retreat center that after 4 years of hard work turned out not to be our path.

Meanwhile, I was a vitality coach, yoga teacher and taught yoga&run classes.

And yet my heart wanted me to partially let go of all of this, no more weekly classes.

With a deep sigh, resistance and a screaming head, I did just that.

No longer following the voice of my heart, was just not an option anymore.

A lot of people still call it brave.

To me it is something else.

Following the voice of my heart awakened a flame in me… 

Together Jeroen and I traveled around Europe in a large camper, we did this for about six months every year, for seven years.

Once again, we distanced ourselves from the beaten, conditioned paths.

On this path the camera began to accompany me and ' The Alice' in me got a 'face'.

Alice is my favorite, archetypal hero.

In the tension between following her inner heart's desires and the outward norms imposed by a prevailing society, she chooses her own path, often with disapproval from her surroundings.

I like to live like Alice!

The lens of the camera is my rabbit hole. She gives me the space to fall back into my childlike fantasy. The little girl who could sit for hours along the edge of the stream near Grandpa's vegetable garden, marveling at the grandeur of every small detail. A world full of freedom, where coloring outside the lines of "the normal" is allowed, then unfolds.

Thus, in the moment, I move beyond learned insights about beautiful or ugly, good or bad. And I create dreamy, colorful images that breathe a new world of simplicity, serenity, silence and transcendence.

For hours I want to wander through nature.

Preferably through the mountains.

This is where I feel so at home....

I can't explain why.

It is a primal feeling.

During those years the Course in Miracles also came my way.

Reluctantly I began.

One moment I was gripped by it.

The other moment I threw it far away in the closet under the guise of "nonsense.

Three years ago there was a turning point.

My heart once again caused me to not let go and practice every day.

The Course in Miracles let me experience very clearly that I have only one choice in every NOW.

A choice we imperceptibly make constantly in our thoughts:

Do I choose fear and polarity or do I choose love and oneness.

Regardless of the circumstances that arise. 

We think we have so much choices to make that we often feel overwhelmed.

As I see it now.

We only have one to start with: Fear of Love.

And all the other choices are a consequence of this one.

In every little detail of your life.

"Okay!" my mind thought about following the Course in Miracles.

Wonderful this path. Beautiful that you are doing this for yourself.

However, you are not going to talk about it and certainly not do anything else with it at all.

Even these head fences that wanted to keep me safe were slowly being crumbled by my heart.

I couldn't help but talk about it.

I could not help others to see through their thoughts as well.

It happened all by itself.

Everything you experience in this life has a function.

It helps you return to who you really are.

Beyond your individual personality to the unconditional love.

I have personally experienced that there is great wisdom in every wound.

A year ago our camper broke down exactly on the last day of six months of travel.

I knew immediately that this was a sign.

Another chapter was coming....

And that chapter presented itself two months later.

During those seven years of travel, we had been looking for a place to live in the mountains.

In many European places we had searched, until we were tired of searching.

And suddenly, a great place to rent in Italy appeared.

Where we had never looked...

Without having seen the house and its surroundings I felt very clearly that this was where we had to go.

And so we left.... ignorant and yet very sure.

And the place and the house exceeded our wildest expectations.

Now we are here looking for our own home.

Now in many different ways I am very grateful then I am allowed to help others on their path of moving out of their head into their heart. 

So that we do not follow others, but our own passion and meaning.

If we do that we are supported by the universe in every single step.

If we do that we give the best of ourselves to a new world that wants to arise.

Our large residential camper was sold a few weeks ago.

A small van has come in return.

Because even though we seem to be living steady now.

The traveling blood wants to keep flowing.

For me, the outer journey feeds the inner journey and vice versa.

***

For more inspiration, join a special circle and writing workshop with Sandra Lensink, more details and RSVP info here.